78 Notes to Self: A Tarot Journal

The ache for home lives in all of us, 

the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”

~Maya Angelou

I did it!  I found a home! It's beautiful and cozy and sweet and happy and it's just the sort of house I imagined for myself.  It was built by the seller's grandfather in the 40's. He owned a sawmill that made doors. So he used his "extras" from unclaimed door orders in his own house.  No two doors/door-frames are the same size. He used red oak for the floor throughout the house, even in the kitchen. The baseboards and moldings are generous with deep windowsills, stained to match the floors. I have a vestibule (!) with windowed doors. The house has a rather unremarkable exterior, but inside it's an adorable cottage with bright yellow kitchen cabinets that line the length of the large kitchen. We moved in June and couldn't be happier with our new home.  At last, I am home. 

Look, I'm not a generally hopeful person.  I am a realist, practical and grounded, most of the time. It's not hard for me to lose hope, I do it all the time. I am rarely disappointed because my expectations are low. I take life at face value and see things and people for what they are, not what I hoped they would be. This time, though, I've reached a level of hopelessness that I haven't felt in a very long time.  I have spent many months in a state of "What is the point?"

I don't have an existential answer to that.

But what is happening now, across the country, in full view of everyone, is tempting me to hope.  It is at least a Three of Swords if not a Tower. I don't feel it's a Tower, really, but a Three of Swords, definitely.  Harsh truth, blindfolds removed, facing what is true and real.  Men and women are publicly speaking out against those who have sexually harassed, assaulted, and harmed them and --here's the best part-- we are LISTENING.  Well, many of us are.

Robin Wood Tarot

So many women, especially, are feeling triggered. #MeToo. Who knew so many of us have various shades of PTSD just from living our lives in this very bent society that treats us like morsels for male entertainment. Personally, I'm freaking out internally on a daily basis hearing about men creeping on underage girls. My first marriage was to a man who, among other abusive crimes, persistently preyed on adolescent girls, including me at 17 when he was 32.  He was arrested on sexual assault of teenage girls several times during our brief marriage and I don't know how many times since. My second husband, a man in his fifties, just married a young Russian woman he groomed at 18 on the internet and then persuaded to come to the US to visit him when she was 19. She's now 23, only 2 years older than our youngest child -- who, by the way, is a young woman herself and has been struggling with the creepy implications of her father in a romantic relationship with someone she considers her peer.  A lifelong friend of Mike's has recently been charged with possession of child pornography.  He had spent five years in jail for "messing around," he said, with a "seventeen year-old," he said, when he was twenty.  He spent ten years in therapy following his release. Although he had to register as a sex offender, he swore he never had The Problem for what he was convicted but said he used the therapy to help himself become a better person.  It was all bullshit.  We subsequently learned he had actually been convicted for having sex with a girl "13 or younger."  The cache of child pornography was discovered by another good friend, his roommate, who went to the police because it was that bad.  And of course there is Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, and Roy Moore, and...all of the men on this list.  I expect the list to continue to grow.

Truth revealed. Three of Swords. Old wounds and betrayals resurface. Three of Swords.

The Druidcraft Tarot

Not all men? Three of Swords says "Bet me."  Because if "good men" are surprised, shocked, and dismayed at what they are witnessing now, they haven't been listening to women.  If they haven't been listening, they were dismissive, complicit, and participated in the culture that allowed it. Too harsh? No -- that's real truth. Three of Swords.

What is the point? Truth, if told, needs time to journey from our ears and our minds to our hearts and our character. Being quiet. Listening from the inside. Four of Swords.  Healing. Integration. Peace. We'll get there, if we listen, accept the truth, and listen some more.

The Druidcraft Tarot

We tend to focus more on the darker, scarier cards in tarot.  Where are the happy bunny cards? I'll get to them. But just so you know, they have their dark sides, too, just like the darker cards have some light. The dark places in life have their own virtues as described in this poem by Rumi an early 13th century Persian poet:

The Guesthouse

This being human is a Guest House.
Every morning a new arrival

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from above.


In line with my current obsession with all that is bleak, sad, and upsetting, how about this one? Ooomph! Not one, not two, but three swords piercing a heart. Dreadful card. The stormy sky doesn't help matters either. This image, from the Robin Wood deck doesn't mess around with the symbolism. There's no mistaking or second-guessing this card. This HURTS.

By Robin Wood Published by Llewellyn 1991

Sigh. Yes. Yes, it does.

This card is about heartache, no kidding. You know when you've just gotten really bad news, painful, heart-piercing news and at first you feel nothing but searing pain? And then your mind begins to engage and you start to process what you just heard. It's what happens when you begin to mentally reconcile the bad news, processing it in one's mind to gain emotional stability. It's the act of trying to make sense of what one knows in one's head to how one's heart feels.

There's no way I can say this card isn't hurtful because it usually is.  The intensity of the pain is relative to the situation, but painful it is.  However, it's a painful truth you need to know. A good illustration is to first look at the 2 of Swords where the individual is blindfolded and withholding judgement.  They're not convinced, they're maintaining the peace, waiting for more information to decide.  Then blam! Ace of Swords incoming! That's the big sword in the center.  And now it all makes sense. A painful truth truly is better than living a lie. 

So that Rumi is on to something.  Far be it for me to sugarcoat any of the starker, gut-punching cards in the tarot deck, but there is something valuable to be gained from the darker moments in life.  I won't lie and tell you it's going to be easy or that it won't hurt, but I will tell you, in 3 of Swords moments, that the truth that you're hearing is something you need to know.  And I'll confess that there are times when I've been in that 2 of Swords place so damn long I plead for that third sword just to break the tension.  Just give it to me straight.

I think that's often why we turn to tarot, for those straight answers.  We're hoping to cut through the crap of our own wishful thinking, our giving the benefit of the doubt, our denial and illusions to hear the real, unvarnished truth.  That's the goal anyway.  Whether the reading actually gives it to you depends on whether you're ready to hear it.  Sometimes we're not ready, and that's fine.  Another time.

I have always loved that poem of Rumi's because it reminds me that everything will be alright. Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture.  Even then.  Because maybe you needed some new things anyway and you were too busy trying to make your old things work for you when they no longer did.  Because you will survive it and you will be OK.  Even though you may not be grateful to the messenger, the message is invaluable.  And maybe you won't realize this in that moment of heartrending pain, but you will.  Then you will know the gift that is the 3 of Swords.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.” ~William Shedd

Sometimes when I'm listening to my iPod I can't help but hear a tarot card shout out through a song. The other morning this song came on my random shuffle and all I could think about was the Three of Wands.

WARNING: Probably NSFW, liberal use of the f-bomb will ensue if you choose to view this video



Are you laughing? I hope so. I was. Hard. That song is from The Lonely Island's debut comedy album "INCREDIBAD"(C) Universal Republic. The Lonely Island is Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer & Jorma Taccone. I love it because it's contagious and perfectly captures the excitement of something simple. To me, the 3 of Wands means a lot of things, but one of its meanings is having one's ship come in. The most basic meaning of the idiom is that something very good has happened to you. Most often it is used in terms of financial wealth, but in tarot the suit for this ship's homecoming is not pentacles but fiery, passionate wands. It's that playful, passionate energy that I see in that video.

Other similarities to the card have to do with the number. In the beginning of the video, the prize is a boat ride for three.  Three is a pretty low number, but it's a first completion or achievement. How exciting to get to the point in one's endeavor when you can sit for a moment and just enjoy what life has brought to you. Make you want to jump up and down and shout, "I'm on a BOAT! Look at me! I'm on a BOAT!" It's a card of adventure, strength, commerce, and of approaching life with a "Let's Go!" attitude. The ship symbol  is commonly seen in rock carvings as far back as 5000 BCE. It can be found on funeral stones, in graves, and was believed to be one of the vehicles to reach the afterlife. You've probably heard of the mythological Charon who ferries dead folks over the River Styx on what? A boat. Boats have long been the most prolific symbol of good luck next to the dragon in China.  Boats take you places, bring things to us, allow us to cross an otherwise unnavigable ocean in order to expand our horizons.

The image of the ship or boat is featured in other RWS tarot cards as well.  The 2 of Pentacles shows ships on rough waters behind the dancing figure.  The 6 of Swords is all about a boat crossing water.  There is a ship in the distance behind Death.  The King of Cups shows a ship in the water beyond him as well.   Don't "miss the boat" in the cards because if you do, you miss out on some key symbolism in the reading.  Boats offer safe passage over water -- the element in tarot that represents emotions and the deep psyche.  They allow us to be in the water without being overwhelmed by it.  From a safe distance we can plumb the depths of our own emotions and the emotions of others and the situation, allowing objectivity while still being involved. 


In dream interpretation boats are usually indicative of something going on emotionally, depending on the condition of the water beneath the boat.  Various words and phrases seem to come up time and time again when discussing boats or travel by boat.  Words such as "involved", "carried along", "emotionally excited", "having a good time"," current" and "waves". Boat dreams are often linked to emotional excitement.  When we become excited by a project, a book, or something currently happening in our lives, boats may feature prominently in our dreams.  It makes sense.  Boats carry us, push us farther, propel us, inspire our imagination.  Wands do the same thing.  They inspire, propel, activate and recharge us.  Sometimes getting carried away is the only way to get there.

I guess that's what I really like about that video.  Silliness aside, it provokes a sense of wide-eyed excitement over something relatively commonplace.  Being on a boat is something not everyone in the world experiences and yet this is about more than just the boat ride itself, but about finally achieving something, reaching a small but significant pinnacle in one's life, seeing one's reward and reveling in it.

Hellllooooooo! Feels great to be back. I finally got most of my stuff moved to the new place and I'm feeling much more settled and able to breathe a bit easier. Finally getting caught up on readings, too, though my turn-around time is still about a week. The new place is small but comfortable and starting to feel like home now that I have my belongings there. All I need now is to have my kids come and spend some quality time and it will really feel like home. It's been a difficult transition and difficult to know what the "new normal" will feel like, but it is a life change that was entirely necessary for me to make.

I've been thinking a lot about the Three of Swords. It's a difficult card to see in a reading as it's undoubtedly referencing something painful occurring. The Rider-Waite-Smith rendering of the pierced heart and clouded, raining sky reveals that the realization is not merely cerebral but emotional as well. The water falling from the sky and the pierced heart are a graphic representation of the kind of emotions that proceed from this revelation. This is the "truth hurts" card, and yet it isn't without hope. It reminds me rather of lancing a boil or cutting out a cancerous tumor. The process is painful but the truth revealed is a necessary one that brings the situation to a head and clears away the confusion so healing can begin.

If we look at the cards immediately preceding and following the Three of Swords, one can almost feel the angst of the Two of Swords, the refusal to face the issue, trying to decide not to decide, then the relief felt in the Four of Swords where the subject is able to finally be at peace. The Three is the event between them which brings about the healing and recovery of the Four.

Some truths are just incredibly difficult to look full in the face. I've lived for years in that Two of Swords place, knowing the pain of the Three would be just too difficult that I could not and would not decide nor face the reality of what was actually true. I had to fully recognize and admit that my marriage of fifteen years was over and that the differences were irreconcilable and that I would have to begin the process of starting over in a new life. I wavered and hesitated for an extremely long time in the hope that something could be resuscitated. When it finally became clear to me that I had no more strength to hold those two swords crossed over my chest, their weight had become unbearable and heavy, they, along with the third sword dropped and all three pierced both mine and my ex-husband's hearts. Certainly the pain felt and the truth realized was different for each of us, but my hope is that with this truth and the reality of the divorce genuine healing can begin for everyone.

In a reading when the Three of Swords appears, there's no denying it hurts. Nobody likes to tell a seeker that. Being the bearer of news of a heartbreak or painful revelation is uncomfortable. However, if you understand and convey that this is a truth that must be told, understood, and accepted before anything else positive can happen, there is less to fear from this card. Denial only works for so long before it becomes destructive. If this card shows up, you might ask your sitter if there's something they've been avoiding facing, or if they've felt there is something "hanging" in the air, things left unsaid or unclarified that is making them uncomfortable. In this way you may get to the root of the Three of Swords and identify exactly what issue will be revealed or should be addressed. You might even show the sitter the Four and tell them the way through to that peace and recovery is only through the Three, hurtful though it may be.

If we could avoid the Three of Swords in life, we would. We can't. So it's best to face them honestly and head on. Otherwise, being stuck in that Three of Swords place is much like having your heart pierced again and again and again, over and over and that is far more painful and destructive than one brutal blow that cuts away the bullshit and denial.

So if nine is the finale, why the ten? Because ten is neither the end nor the beginning, but a transition between an ending and a beginning to a higher order of things. See, the number ten is the start of a whole new order of numbers and the culmination of the numbers that come before it.

All the base ten numbering systems in existence from ancient times such as Hebrew and Greek systems use the number ten as this natural transition between the numbers that come before into the numbers that come after. A look at the number values assigned to the Hebrew and Greek letters show that the letters were given values from one to ten, then increasing in tens to 100 then increasing by 100's and so on. Numbering by tens is natural for us given our ten fingers which are quite useful for adding and subtracting. You have to re-use fingers when you get past ten, so it starts a new "order." So ten represents "completeness of order." It symbolizes a cycle has completed and all is where it should be. As such it represents the perfection of divine order.

But if nine represented the end with nothing but "the void" beyond it, how does it make ten "completion?" Well, think of it this way, nine is the act of completing and ten is looking back on all you've done and knowing it is finished and looking forward to your next adventure.

Ten is one of the perfect numbers, and signifies the perfection of Divine order, commencing, as it does, an altogether new series of numbers. The first decade is the representative of the whole numeral system, and originates the system of calculation called 'decimals,' because the whole system of numeration consists of so many tens, of which the first is a type of the whole.

Completeness of order, marking the entire round of anything, is, therefore, the ever-present signification of the number ten. It implies that nothing is wanting; that the number and order are perfect; that the whole cycle is complete.

---Ethelbert W. Bullinger, Number in Scripture: Its Supernatural Design and Spiritual Significance (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel, 1967), 243.

The number ten is significant in several religions and cultures of the world. Buddha is possessed of ten noble states, ten powers, understands ten paths of karma and is endowed with ten attributes of arhatship. In the Ottoman Empire, the aura of the fabled sultan Suleiman the Magnificent was enhanced because he was the tenth son of the tenth generation of his dynasty.
In Judaism there are one of the most ancient and obvious uses of the number ten in the scriptures, the Ten Commandments. Both the Greeks and Hebrews held ten to be the perfect number. Pythagoras considered that ten comprehends all arithmetic and harmonic proportions, and, like God, is tireless. All nations calculated with it because when they arrive at ten, they return to one, the number of creation. Pythagoreans believed the heavenly bodies were divided into ten orders. According to the Kabbalah, there are ten emanations of numbers out of Nothing. The emanations form the ten sephiroth of the Tree of Life, which contains all knowledge and shows the path back to God. Associated with Malkuth on the Tree of Life, it is the number of manifestation, the only number that corresponds to the material world through which we experience life - in this association, it is thought of as 3+3+3+1 - the one sphere in the realm of Earth. Ten is considered a magical number, produced by the addition of the first four numbers, 1+2+3+4, important in Pythagorean and alchemical philosophy.

So what do you do when you've done all you can do on one thing but have yet to start something else? Sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs, I suppose. Which is why there really isn't a lot of energy in the tens. They're kind of stagnant and need the impetus of an Ace (or The Magician, whose number is One in the major Arcana) to get things moving again. In some ways they embody the zero aspect of The Fool, a directionless time that may leave you floundering for a bit. While there's no going back, there really isn't a forward to go towards just yet. So the Fool's aimless wandering fits with the zero part of this number. The one indicates the beginning, but the zero is like, but what? Where? I dunno. This transition can be difficult or more easy, depending on the situation, and tarot gives examples of both.

Ten is the number of The Wheel of Fortune in the Major Arcana and if there was ever a wild card, apart from the Fool, this one is it. Pretty much anything can happen with The Wheel, good and bad and indifferent. It's all about Change, that card, so with tens you just kinda have to roll with whatever happens to see where the next Ace will present itself. But just as tens are a unique combination of earth and ether, so as with the Wheel one sees a stable core or hub around which the wheel spins. In life, too, there are things that stay the same even while other things cycle through their changes. As such, the tens really are about how these changes can affect us and how to best approach them.

The Ten of Swords. Ugh. What a card. This card is undeniably graphic and there's just no quibbling when it appears. Done. Overdone, in fact. The card is shocking, even to those who are familiar with the cards and speaks with a finality that is rather unique to this one card. The sword suit tells us that the subject is a matter of thinking, communicating, and actions based on those thoughts and this card says the issue is dead. You've done as much as you can with it and it is quite enough. In fact, you've probably beaten this dead horse, as one sword was plenty, but now there are ten in the guy's back. As graphic as this card can be, try to remember that the swords represent not literal death but the end of a particular way of thinking, a particular issue or conversation. In many cases this card can show the end of worry, and in that aspect can come as a relief. The anxiety of the nine of swords is fully realized in the ten and you "give up the ghost" so to speak on the source of the worry. You've basically done all you can, said all you can, thought all you can on it and it is time to stick a fork in it because it's done. The transitional aspect of the ten is seen in various signs and symbols in the card. In most Rider Waite versions the dawn is breaking in the distance so it signals that, while this issue is dead, there can be hope and a fresh start. The dead man's hand is posed in the same sign of blessing as the Hierophant's hand, so there is the feeling that this ending is a blessing, though maybe in disguise. Often our minds refuse to let go of old thought patterns and some of us are very dogged in our need to win an argument, so this card really shows the consequence of clinging too tightly to outworn notions and stubbornness.

The Ten of Cups is all "Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!" Often featuring the idyllic scene of a family gathered together in warmth and love and happiness with a rainbow arching over them as a promise of continued blessing, this card is representative of those golden moments in life when it just doesn't get any better than this. These moments really feel like bottled sunshine and we so wish they could last a lot longer than they do. But tens are transitory and are meant to be a rest stop, not a destination. While the Ten of Swords often arises from resistance to change, the Ten of Cups shows a kind of resistance as well. When things feel this good, one is reluctant to fix what isn't broken, mess with perfection, or dare make a move else lose this glorious feeling. Let's not eff it up, shall we? But rainbows only last so long. In time, storm clouds will gather again and life won't feel so grand. Sometimes this card shows up in a reading to say, "This is the best it's going to be." In that respect, if you had future hopes for something to get better or develop into something more, this card kinda says well...no, this is it. This is as good as it's going to get. It can also signal that the stormy times in a relationship are over, at least for now, that all is well between you again and you can move on from here together. I don't often see this card literally represent marriage, although it can symbolize the end of the courtship phase and moving to the next level. But it just as often can show that the relationship has reached its natural conclusion and everyone is ok with that. Nobody is heartbroken or grieving, it's quite alright.

The Ten of Wands conveys such heaviness. Unlike the Ten of Swords which at least shows relief from a taxing mental trial, the Ten of Wands displays the resistance to change of responsibilities. There come times in life when one must recognize one's limitations. Maybe you used to be able to juggle two jobs, parenting, and being president of a local club, but it's really gotten to be too much. You're tired, you're aching, and your head is so buried in your daily responsibilities you can't see anything or anyone else. You may have an overactive sense of commitment which won't allow you to let go and so you drive yourself to go on and on even though your health and your relationships are suffering. As a ten, this card signals that something is going to break, something will end this insanity, and if you don't choose to put some of those wands down, something will force you to. I'm always struck by the way the figure's face is buried in the stack of wands and it reminds me of someone burying their head either in the sand or up their arse, depending on the attitude. It's as if this person thinks they are the only one who can do what it is they do and the world will just collapse if they don't do it. Not. More likely he will be the one collapsing. Though the card often seems to be saying, "Press on, you're almost there," I see it more often showing someone putting too much on their own shoulders that causes them to lose focus on what is truly important. Thus, when they finally are released from their burden, one way or another, they find a sense of freedom and are open to being creatively inspired in a new direction. Until they complete this journey, though, no new fiery wands energy can enter in.

The Ten of Pentacles, like the Ten of Cups, shows a scene of contentment and ease, but this one is based more on the material comforts of life rather than an emotional high and as such are less fleeting, though not entirely secure either. For as we have seen in the progression of the pentacles numbers, wealth can be gained or lost suddenly or by measure, depending on circumstances and your own choices. This ten focuses more on reaching the place in life where you've established yourself in such a way that you can now begin to start new ventures, share your wealth, connect with others to help them get started on something new. Here in this card you can relax for a time, but maybe you can look to ways to use what you have, spread it around. As with the Ten of Cups, too, this card can tell you you've reached as far as you're going to go with a particular job, venture, or project. If this card comes up in a career reading about your current position, you may want to start sending out your resume because you're not likely to see much more increase in your salary in your present job. While it can bode well for future plans, when seen in the present it indicates that something has reached its potential and other seeds must be planted for new growth.

Tens can indicate endings, but they also show new beginnings as well. They really are kind of like that Ennead the Greeks believed lay beyond the nine because there is a sense of not really doing much but possibly tying up the very last loose ends of things and yet not having moved on to the next thing, stopping a moment in relief, grief, happiness, contentment, or some combination thereof. This is that time between and sometimes it can feel somewhat of a void as we move from one phase or cycle to the next, but the time is essential to get our bearings, a breather, and to reflect on the previous cycle. You never know when the next unexpected Ace will pop out of the clouds, so use this ten time wisely before you "level up" to the next phase of your journey.

Tarot of the New Vision by Pietro Alligo, artwork by Raul & Gianluca Cestaro Published by Lo Scarabeo

In number symbolism, nine, not ten, means completion. This can be rather confusing in tarot when the suits have a sequence of ten cards. But there are reasons for this and once understood it makes things a little easier. In a base 10 system, where all numbers are represented by ten distinct forms (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9), nine is the final number. It then represents a limit, the end, or an ultimate goal. The last among the seven Pythagorean numbers (three through nine), nine is the limit to which the generative principles of number reach. The ancient mathematical philosophers called nine the “finishing post” and “that which brings completion.”

The Greeks called nine "the horizon," beyond which the Ennead, or "the nothing" or void lay. We colloquially express this by saying things like "the nth degree" or that a cat has nine lives and "the whole nine yards" to mean the very limit of something. Also we say someone is "on cloud nine" or "dressed to the nines" when they are achieving something high. There are nine magnitudes on the Richter earthquake scale, though one has not yet been recorded to go that high and so is only theoretically possible at this time. As such, nine is the completion of a cycle, symbolic of change and reform. In tarot it represents the end prior to a new beginning. So what's the ten there for? I'll get to that in the next post in this series.

Nine is composed of three trinities (3 times 3 equals 9) and represents the principles of the sacred Triad taken to their utmost expression. In fact, the Chaldeans believed nine to be so sacred they kept it apart in their numerology from the other numbers. This practice relates back to the Major Arcana IX, The Hermit, who separates himself from others in the spiritual search of the sacred. The Norse God Odin, ruler of the nine Norse worlds, hung nine days on the world axis or Yggdrasil tree to win the secrets of wisdom for mankind and after the siege of Troy, which lasted for nine years, Odysseus wandered for nine years in trying to return home. The Hermit is often pictured standing on a mountaintop, a pinnacle of sorts, the limit of height.

The Nine Muses were the fruits of nine nights of Zeus' lovemaking. Thus, nine is associated with gestation and the fulfillment of creation. We say it takes nine months to make a baby, although it is actually ten lunar months. However, that last month is a transition time where the baby and the mother's body prepares for birth. In that same vein of procreativeness, in Scandinavia nine-day fertility feasts were held every nine years.

In fact nine features prominently in many ancient cultures. Aztec, Mayan, and Native American myths describe nine cosmic levels (four above, earth, and four below). There were nine Gods of the Sabines (an ancient tribe of Italy): Aeneas, Bacchus, Esculapius, Fides, Fortuna, Hercules, Romulus, Santa, and Vesta. As the most auspicious number of celestial power in ancient China, nine became the rule in nine great social laws, nine classes of officials, nine sacred rites, and 9-story pagodas. The festival of the “double yang” was held on the 9th hour of the 9th day of the 9th month. In fact, the Chinese words for “gift” and “nine” are identical. In Christian symbolism, there are nine orders of angelic choirs in nine circles of heaven and nine orders of devils within nine rings of hell. The gifts of the spirit are nine in number: the words of wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles and prophecy; the discerning of spirits; tongues; and the interpretation of tongues.

Nine has been, and in some cases still is, considered thrice sacred and represents perfection, balance and order. In Kabbalah, the ninth Sphere (sephira) of divine emanation is Yesod. The word "Yesod" means foundation, and Yesod is the last of the immaterial sephirah. It is said this is the place where the Cherubim dwell, the angels that act as intermediaries between man and the spirit world. However, it is also the place of Gamaliel, or certain demons considered to be children of Lilith.

Nine represents society and completion as well as symbolizing mankind, philanthropy, charity, social issues and government. Nine is representative of universal love, giving and the brotherhood of man, as well as neighborhood, clubs, organizations, institutions and the common good. The positive characteristics of nine are selflessness, fulfillment, completion, universality, universal understanding, interrelatedness, compassion, idealism, tolerance, forgiveness, generosity, benevolence, humanitarianism, emotionalism, and justice. Nine is also associated with accomplished artists and thinkers who are inspired by universal truths.

Some of these concepts don't seem to fit well with the traditional Rider Waite imagery. All of the four nines in many tarot decks show a solitary figure, not someone interacting in the process of giving to others. However, the concept is often implied rather than shown outright. The solitary aspect is directly echoing The Hermit whose spiritual quest has taken him to a place apart and alone. His contributions to society may be made in the form of writing or mentoring, but they are significant. One's accomplishments are truly one's own. While others may support, teach, help and contribute to your success, when you have achieved something it is yours and yours alone. The ideal result is that by your achievement, you are then in a position to give back, to help others cross that threshold as well.

The Nine of Swords may not seem to be much of an achievement, but if you look closer it can represent that final battle with one's self, one's mind, that must be confronted and conquered. It is a dark night of the soul, a time when one's thoughts threaten to sabotage everything. The swords of thought, communication and action turn into weapons against oneself rather than tools of progress. This is the night before the big exam, the time when you totally freak out because everything you spent weeks, nay months, studying just leaks out of your brain and you can't remember a single thing. You start to think you're going to fail, you are going to end up homeless and destitute, you're a lame loser with no future. Eeeeek! This whole mindfuck we tend to do to ourselves just prior to a Big Event is typical and might even be necessary. It's like your mind runs through all the worst case scenarios so you can be prepared, mentally, for any course of events. Or maybe it's just nervous mental energy that needs to be expended before we can relax enough to actually do our best. This place in the swords suit is really where the mind goes the furthest it can go, and ultimately it can go no farther. You exhaust all the possibilities and usually end up with heartburn and nightmares because of it, but at least you've thought it all through.

The Nine of Cups is traditionally called The Wish Card in tarot. There are spreads that say that if the Nine of Cups appears in a certain position, you will definitely get what you desire. Feh. Whatever. Never worked for me. (Or did it? Be careful of what you wish for!) This is a really happy card, the guy on it usually looks so very self-satisfied. To relate it to the symbolism of the nines the scene depicted in most Rider Waite based decks shows a man before a banquet table with nine cups on the table. He is the host and is quite pleased to be able to share what he has with his honored guests. This is where the philanthropic part of the nines as well as the emotionalism comes to the fore. This guy is just so moved emotionally that he's "going to the nth degree," pulling out all the stops, "the whole nine yards," for those he either wants to impress or be generous to out of a higher motivation, one never can be sure. He's "on cloud nine" in this act of emotional giving. This card also represents the "channel" aspect of Yesod, in that this man's feelings are being translated into something tangible and material by way of his sharing his wealth with others in a way that blesses them. This card shows only he, not his guests, because the focus of the nine is on his achievement and the benefits of which he will share in just a moment. I see this card, too, as just feeling good about yourself, feeling happy in the moment, being full of good feelings and appreciating what you have. He has found the cup he set out to look for in the Eight of Cups and now he, at least for the moment, "has it all."

The Nine of Wands, like the swords nine, shows a tougher aspect of the nine. This one is the grit and determination it takes to succeed. This card represents that last breather before you finally finish what you started. Being wands, the active fire element of tarot, this card refers mainly to the energy needed to bring something to fruition. Having birthed four children, I can't help but liken this card to labor. The figure on the card is showing the weariness of of his trials, battered and bandaged, he has been through much. There comes a point in labor when things get quiet and it's usually right before they get really hairy towards the end. That's the overall theme of this card, the end is at hand and this is a regathering of energy for that final push to completion.


The Nine of Pentacles, like the Nine of Cups, shows someone enjoying the fruit of their labors and with the ability to share it with others. Although the card shows a woman alone in her wealth, it is implied that she has the ability and means to be a benefactress. The trained falcon can represent her communication with others, the way she sends parts of herself out into the world which then return to her. Here is someone who has reached a certain pinnacle in life, materially speaking, and this comfortable financial state allows her to focus on other pursuits that reach more heavenward than earthbound. Unlike the Nine of Cups, this woman isn't on "cloud nine" emotionally, her feet are planted firmly on the earth. She has a stability and an independence that frees her. There is a certain contentedness to feeling complete in oneself, and the Nine of Pentacles revels in that completeness.

So are we done at nine or almost done? Well...as tarot has one more card in each suit, I would say done symbolically, but there is one more step to go between the nines and back again to the aces. Here is a place where tarot ambiguity creeps in. Tarot doesn't actually fit that neatly into any one system. The best fit is with Qabbalah, but even that had to be tweaked. It doesn't fit neatly into astrology nor into any system of numerology. These other systems can help add dimensions of understanding to tarot, but cannot be neatly overlayed. Tarot is unto itself and though the symbolism of nine says we're done there, tarot says no, we're not quite finished, and adds a ten.

The Hudes Tarot Deck by Susan Hudes US Games. Printed in Belgium.
DruidCraft Tarot By Stephanie Carr-Gomm & Philip Carr-Gomm & Will Worthington Published by Connections 2004Tarot of the New Vision by Pietro Alligo, artwork by Raul & Gianluca Cestaro Published by Lo Scarabeo
The Sharman-Caselli Tarot by Juliet Sharman-Burke. Illustrated by Giovanni Caselli © 2002 St. Martin's Griffin Press

You know these two. You may have even been these two at one time. Maybe you're even part of this pair now, but if you're not it's all you can do to not say, "Get a room." With fluttering eyelashes and deep gazes that invisibles everyone else from the stratosphere, the Two of Cups is a budding romance in its first flushes of engagement. No, not engagement engagement, unless they're crazy, but that first meeting, that first date, the initial contact where both parties are twitterpated. "Whatever," I say, with dismissive gesturing.

Wot? Not romantic? Moi? Sure I can be, but you know, this is the stuff of infatuation that those rogue Knights are so fond of, particularly that Knight of Cups and we all know how dependable they can be [insert derisive snort]. Oh sure, it's sweet, it's cute, and I can't help but smile when I see a couple so obviously smitten, but I suppose I've had a few too many kicks from the back end of that horse that I look with slightly jaded (yes, I said slightly) eye on this card. Sure, it's nice and all, but hello, it's just a two. They're being swept along by the rush of the Ace of Cups and while that's a heady cup of spirits there, I say watch for the hangover sure to come ohhh around say, the Four of Cups, if it lasts that long.

Maybe I should have posted this on Valentine's Day, but I have an internal boycott on V-Day that has nothing to do with whether I've personally been involved with someone when that day rolls around. It's cheesy and forced and my knee jerk reaction to anyone telling me I gotta luuurve someone on February 14 is, again, "Whatever," with dismissive hand gestures. Maybe that's the root of my problem with the Two of Cups. I'm far too much a Queen of Swords to admit to any twitterpating on my part, however that underlying water element belies a romantic heart that cries at love stories and whose favorite movie is Ever After.

I say I'm realistic. Lovers don't care. They don't give a damn about reality and I don't blame them at all. It's all very nice in that pink bubble with hearts and glitter floating about. Because this is the card all the hopefuls want to see who come to a tarot reading asking, "Will I meet someone?" or "Does he like me that way?" So when I see this card for a sitter, I smile and say, "Yes. For sure. Yeah he does." And that's really nice. But get this, falling in love is a lot like drug addiction and temporary insanity, at least chemically speaking.

As reported by the BBC:

"When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover. In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:

• Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine
• Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing
• Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane"
  

It seems that lovers brains are just having themselves a party. I did mention the word hangover up there, didn't I? That looks like a scene from the movie Blow. And while the feelings associated with falling in love may cause us to yearn and wish for it to befall us again and again, so pleasant they are, you might re-think that when you read about a man who suffers permanent amnesia brought about by a virus but who keeps falling in love with his wife over and over and over. Two of Cups is not really the best place to camp out, now is it? I've seen this pattern in rather dysfunctional couples that repeatedly break up and make up as a way of recapturing that Two of Cups high, but really, it does get old and starts to feel a bit like that Bill Murray flick, Groundhog's Day, where the guy keeps reliving the same day over and over and over.

But let's say you get this card in a reading about your career and you're happily partnered up and you're not looking for any nookie in the copy room after work, what then? Should you be concerned you have an ardent admirer? Nah, you'd likely get the Page of Swords or our star-struck Knight of Cups for that. What this card can also imply is any positive connection two people make or even a good match between a person and a project or job. It means there's a potent connection and the emotional benefits will be reciprocal. As such it can signify a friendship or even a business partnership that just "clicks."

In the Waite style decks, there is a lion with a caduceus symbol above the lovers. While oft thought to be the symbol of medicine, this symbol actually was an ancient astrological symbol of commerce related to the god Hermes, the winged-footed messenger of the Greek pantheon. It looks very similar to the symbol for the planet Mercury — the Roman name for Hermes, who carries the kerykeion, or caduceus. The basic power of the Caduceus is the primal power to heal or harm. It's not quite the same as the medical symbol, the Staff of Asclepius and you will more often find the caduceus as symbols of pharmaceutical companies rather than, say, the World Health Organization. Hmmm, drugs again, huh? Here we find another duality of the two and the real question behind such a potent pairing. Because isn't that just like love? It, like medicinal drugs, has both the power to heal and to harm. So be careful whose eyes you gaze deeply into and what exactly is in that cup he's offering?