78 Notes to Self: A Tarot Journal

No idea in Western civilization has been more consistently linked to ethics and morality than the idea of justice. From The Republic, written by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato, to A Theory of Justice, written by the late Harvard philosopher John Rawls, every major work on ethics has held that justice is part of the central core of morality. So where does the concept originate? Social justice is likely as old as the first humans as they structured their communities and fought among themselves for their own conflicting interests. Without the cooperation and equity justice provides, we would quickly extinguish our own species. Egyptians knew her as Maat, the one who weighed the hearts of men. Greeks knew her as Themis, goddess of order and oracle at Delphi who was the mother of Dike, goddess of justice. Romans knew her as Justitia. It wasn't until the 16th century that images of justice showed her blindfolded to represent impartiality, but the sword and scales have shown up in her various incarnations over the ages.

She is one of the four cardinal virtues in Christianity (borrowed from Plato anyway), representing the need for individuals themselves to cultivate justice as a spiritual and moral quality in order that society itself be just for all. Divine virtues are intended to reflect the divine nature of God in humans, and as such she reveals God as perfectly just. Therefore, from her earliest incarnations as Maat, she represents the concept of divine justice. Karma. What goes around comes around. If you don't get your comeuppance in this life, you'll be sure to get it in the afterlife or the next life or something.

Traditionally, Justice's number is eight and Strength is eleven, but Waite changed the order to better reflect the astrological correspondences developed by the Order of the Golden Dawn. There are still hard feelings about this. But the Golden Dawn's Qabbalistic reasoning is not without merit. Justice corresponds with Libra and Libra is the cardinal sign starting Autumn. The Hebraic month of Tishrei corresponds to Libra, and sees the celebration of the Jewish New Year, followed by Yom Kippur, the prayer of atonement to divine Justice. Also, in the Hebrew alphabet, prior to the letter Lamed, there are exactly 11 letters, since Lamed begins the second half of the alphabet, leading the next 11 letters. The problem with doing this was that it screwed up all the other cards' associations and so the Golden Dawn folks practically rewrote the Tree of Life to fit with their ordering sequence. Ok, well. Historians and tarot purists will argue this ad infinitum with good cause, but suffice it to say that a century of misalignment has resulted in a new ordering system which is now considered legitimate. This is why in most Rider-Waite-based decks Justice is eleven and Marseille-based decks have Justice as eight and deck designers of all kinds get to pick and choose according to their own preference. Personally, I don't have a preference. Numerologically speaking, both numbers have good associations with divine virtues in general and attributions that can be applied to both Strength and Justice.

We can understand the need for divine, individual and social justice, but when the Justice card shows up in a tarot reading, her meaning can seem too broad, too vague, and difficult to understand in the context of a reading that hardly involves anything to do with the Supreme Court or the Final Judgement of your soul. Divinatory meanings pare things down to manageable size somewhat. Justice can represent a legal matter in a querant's life, a divorce, any kind of legal document or contract. She bodes well for such things and assures the seeker that things will likely shake out in your favor, or at least fairly. She can tell you you're in the process of making a Big Decision in your life. As a Major Arcana, she represents matters of destiny, big choices that impact the course of your life. As advice she urges you to consider all the evidence, weigh it, and above all: Be Fair! Sometimes you may need to cut something out of your life in the process of balancing those scales or add something in order to find that equilibrium. Her sword, just like all the swords in tarot, represents wisdom and communication, but it also stands for just punishment for wrongdoers. Be careful where you point that thing.

More often than not, as a Major it represents a decision that will impact you rather than one you have to make. It can point to events occurring through which divine justice will be evidenced, karmic balance. There's no need to fear Justice's sword unless you've been racking up check marks in the naughty column. Even so, you will know that when it comes down you deserved it. Above all, she is fair and there isn't any railing against her, even though you might be kicking your own backside up the street.

Image source: Edwin Austin Abbey, Royal Academician, The Record of His Life and Work, by E.V. Lucas, 1921, London: Methuen and Company Limited, New York: Charles Scribner's Son.

Spiritual enlightenment is cool. It has its perks. Peace is one primary benefit. A better ability to go with the flow of life and the universe is another. There comes understanding and compassion for oneself and others and a sense of connectedness to everything. That connectedness thing is particularly amazing. I try to take that understanding, compassion, and connectedness and do something with it and I end up seeing the images in tarot as real people, real emotions, real bodily functions. Isn't that just so pentacles-ish of me?

Honestly, one of the cards that disturbs me the most is not the Ten of Swords, nor the Tower, but the Seven of Cups. Oh, I know, it's a creative card, wonderful for brainstorming and imagining the possibilities. It feels good to indulge in fantasy and daydreams, sure. One cannot hope to reach a future goal if one cannot even envision it, so the card certainly has its promising side. I sometimes hear the words, "Just imagine!" when I see that card. Who among us has not pondered what we might do if we won the lottery, even if we never play? It's the "What if?" card and it's full of potential and possibility. But all that building castles in the clouds makes me want to take up residence there. And while I have no doubt whatsoever that the spiritual realm is every bit if not more real than the physical, living there while I'm still incarnated here tends to be a bit problematic. Otherwise the card can indicate someone caught up in delusions and operating from that place. You know, the one who is always talking about starting his own business and even has great ideas about how to do it but somehow years go by and he never manages to put his ideas and dreams into play. The minute you look at him sideways with skepticism, he's mortally wounded, deeply offended that you don't see how real his imaginary world is. There are those of us who cling to dreams despite reality slapping us in the face saying, "It's NOT gonna happen!" Well, at least not the way we envision it. We do have limitations, we do live within restrictions of time and material resources, and the actions of other people often impact our plans in significant ways. That's why the advice of this card is to choose one option and focus on that in order to manifest it into reality. Basically it's saying, "Get real."

Some truly have difficulty grasping the ethereal concepts of the intangible spiritual world of tarot. I know I've had my own struggles with the more esoteric side myself. Delving too much into Qabbalistic, Golden Dawn, and Hermetic associations with tarot can be at times too thick and deep for me to navigate. Give it to me in smaller portions and when I'm in a more spiritual mindspace, ok. The High Priestess embodies that esoteric aspect to tarot, but without the Magus/Magician to put the lessons of the spirit realm into action and manifest them into reality, we may find her deep knowledge engulfing and even smothering. She can also be paired with the Hierophant who translates the intangible into tangible rituals and practice that ground us in the here and now and move us along the physical realm in our spiritual paths. So maybe because I get tired now and then slogging through the woo-woo that is so prevalent in the study of tarot, I seek out solid ground.

On another note, The Tarot Connection Podcast has a new episode up for downloading. This time Leisa put together a great show that begins to address the usage of reversals in tarot reading. Her guests, Roger Tobin and Teresa Michelson are, as usual, top notch readers and tarot educators. She ends the podcast with my segment on the Tower, "Shake, Rattle, and Roll."

Another objection to doing Yes/No readings is that they tend to, once again, place the seeker's power in the hands of a final judgement of Fate rather than in their own hands. Instead of passively asking if an event you want to happen will indeed occur, why not ask the cards what you can do to create the event you want? If the event is truly out of your hands, you might ask the cards what productive attitude or action you can be taking in the meantime. Yet, there's nothing to say you can't ask both kinds of questions. Throwing a Yes/No spread about a job offer might then lead to another spread which can give you more options. For example, if I ask, "Will I get the job I interviewed for on Monday?" and the cards give me a No answer, I can then proceed to asking what I might do to improve my chances? Should I call the employer and follow up? What might I do to find a job that will best suit my skills? See, even a Yes/No doesn't have to be definative and final. There may be things one can do to change that outcome. On the other hand, if the reason you won't get the job is because the employer intended all along to give it to his nephew and went through the interviewing process so as not to be accused of nepotism, it's best to research other options and not waste any more time waiting by the phone.

All too often a seeker will come to a tarot reading with nothing but Yes/No questions. Will I get married? Will I move? Does Maryann love me? You could hand them a quarter and tell them to flip it, heads mean yes, tails mean no. You don't think that would go over too well? That's because they really aren't merely looking for a Yes/No answer, it's just that most people don't take the time to really ask themselves what they really want to know about a situation. Will I get married might best be rephrased to, "What can I do to create the kind of relationships in my life that would most likely lead to a loving, committed marriage?" Essentially, you take the "Will I....?" and change it to, "What can I do...?" or "What do I need to know...?" Even after exploring these questions, the seeker may still want to hear, bottom line, if thus and so happen. At that point a Yes/No spread might be just the right thing, but usually you can glean the answer from the reading you've done.

There are many Yes/No spreads, often involving reversed versus upright cards, where the reversed means no and upright means yes. The method I use, because I tend not to use reversals, involves three stacks of cards and the Aces. I shuffle and cut the cards as usual, asking the question in my mind as I shuffle. Then, I begin dealing the cards from the top of the deck into a pile, stopping at the thirteenth card or at an Ace if it appears. I then begin a second pile, counting to thirteen unless another Ace appears, then stop. I do this a third and final time. If all three piles reveal an Ace, the answer is definitively Yes. The Aces themselves can give you more information, depending on their suits, so pay attention to that as well. If two out of three piles reveal Aces, the answer is "Probably yes, but..." with the third card revealing what might be an obstacle or reason. If only one Ace appears the answer is, "Probably not, because..." with the other two cards revealing the reason. If no Aces appear the answer is "No" with the top three cards revealing why. I like this spread because it tends to yield more information than simply Yes or No. Also, it allows for maybe's and possibilities and in studying the cards revealed you can understand more about why the situation may be leaning more in one direction than the other.

For example: If I ask the question, "Will I be hired for the job?" and got this result:

Whatever method you choose, pick one and stick with it. Like timing methods or seasonal and astrological attributions, a Yes/No system works best when you have it deeply embedded in your subconscious. And don't rely too much on them, please. They work best when used as an adjunct to deeper readings that get more to the heart of what you need to know.

Hudes Tarot Deck by Susan Hudes Published by US Games Copyright 1995
Haindl Tarot by Hermann Haindl US Games. 1990 Printed in Belgium.

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way,
the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

Last Saturday my friend Lacey's daughter got married. I met Lacey about nine years ago at Calvary Chapel Church. It feels like a lifetime ago. At that time, I was moving away from traditional conservative Christianity but I was clinging to a hope that I could transform it somehow from the inside. I would go to church and literally feel sick, anxious, and angry at what I saw and heard within those walls. Another good friend of mine, Cheryl, had endured a ruthless excommunication from another Calvary Chapel across the country and some very major players in the Religious Right camp had drummed her out of business and harassed her incessantly to the extent that she finally took their sorry hides to federal court and sued them. She won. I had flown out to her side of the country to testify in court on her behalf because I had witnessed firsthand much of the harassment and slander from her Christian business competitors. It got ugly and the entire debacle caused me to question so much about this belief system in which I had immersed myself. The main players had been leaders in the Christian homeschooling community and I swore I would never, God help me, ever homeschool my kids, at least not within that subculture. I found myself angrily saying, "Those...those God-damn...Christians!" forgetting for the moment that I still claimed that label for myself.

Lacey and her husband, Terry, attended a weekly Bible Study we hosted in our home. Lacey was struggling with some spiritual/church-y stuff, too. So we agreed to meet for coffee. She had just decided to pull her kids out of public school to homeschool them. I soon followed suit, but as I had promised myself I did not rely on the support or networking of Christian homeschoolers. Instead, I found a welcoming, secular group of families through which both Lacey and I found support, social interaction, group activities, and friends. Lacey and I treated our weekly coffee date as sacred. Almost nothing would interfere in our meeting at the bookstore coffee shop once a week for a couple of childfree hours. We would relish in that time and share our thoughts about church, spirituality, family, homeschooling, parenting, and anything else that we were experiencing from the mundane to the deep. I don't know if Lacey knew what she was getting into when she embarked on this journey of friendship with me. I'm pretty sure she got more than she bargained for.

See, I'm someone who is always digging, reaching, and searching. As a child, I wasn't content swallowing the Bible stories in Sunday School at the Episcopal Church my family attended. While my older sister dutifully went through the confirmation process and ritual, I sat in confirmation classes questioning everything. The answers not being satisfactory, I announced to my mother that I no longer wished to attend church and pronounced myself, at age twelve, an agnostic. I've always been fascinated by the supernatural and spiritual, researching paranormal studies in the public library's reference section and conducting my own experiments with the Ouija board and sharing woo-woo stories with my friends. At sixteen, I had a fairly grounded belief in reincarnation and I read books like The Exorcist and Seth Speaks. When I met the man who would become my first husband, he introduced me to Islam. I read the Quran and found it resonated strongly within me, however I wasn't a full-on Muslim convert. I retained a lot of my woo woo beliefs. In time and experience within Islam, I moved away from what I viewed as a distasteful focus on violence, the glorification of martyrs and the brutal stories within the Muslim tradition. It didn't help that my then-husband was also violent. He was a batterer and after seven years of marriage I was forced to flee to a battered women's shelter with our son, file for divorce, fight him for custody, and continue having my life harassed and threatened for many years to come. After separating from him, I moved out of Islam and back to my own, comfortable seeker spirituality. It was during this time that I had my first tarot reading and explored psychic phenomenon.

My life and soul had been so traumatized by the abuse of my ex-husband that I now, looking back, understand that I was searching for stability and security for that very wounded soul. Some months before, I had found a "Novena for St. Jude" published in a local paper and not being Catholic but being very, very desperate, I prayed the prayer for the prescribed nine times over nine days, crouched alone in my closet for fear he would find me praying to "that bastard Jesus." I, myself, didn't know what to think about Jesus and frankly, I didn't care. I just wanted out and I needed a miracle. I opened the Bible to Psalm 46 and read the words of comfort to a people shaken and traumatized by their oppressors and I believed I would be helped. A few moments later, my husband went into a full-on tantrum and screamed and pounded his chest as I cowered in a corner waiting for the blows. Amazingly, they didn't come. I opened my eyes and he was gone. I heard the front door slam. I felt like death had just passed by my door. A few moments later, I heard a knock on my door. My friend, the one who would later share tarot with me, asked, "Are you ok?" Clearly, I was not ok. She said that she had just been about to get into her car to go shopping and "someone" told her to come and check on me. She held me and hugged me and called the crisis center for me. So this, I thought, was my answer, my miracle.

It was not the last time my husband beat me. No, there was one last time after that. One. Last. Time. Shortly after I moved out, I visited my friend and she read tarot for me. She told me that my ex would be in my life for a very long time to come. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and fear clenched my chest in its place. However, she also informed me that she saw another man, a really good man, entering my life in about three months time. On schedule, I met my second husband a few months later. A friend of his invited me to his church, a Messianic Jewish congregation in my hometown. Being inquisitive and curious about all things spiritually unusual, I was intrigued by this unique blending of Judaism and Christianity. Also being in the wounded and needy state I was, the faith and fellowship offered was just the balm I needed for my battered soul. I became a born-again Christian on December 16, 1988.

Coming out of fundamentalist Christianity was a process that took four or five years, but that is where I am today. I am back again to my roving spiritual path that has taken me through monotheistic religious boxes and back outside those boxes again. I don't regret my time within those boxes. I have learned so very much. I continue to be fascinated with Biblical studies, though now my perspective has altered tremendously. Dear Lacey, she has walked with me through my emerging, converging, and sometimes conflicting spiritual incarnations. I have challenged her own very Christian faith. I introduced her to the concept of mutual submission within a Christian marriage, then radical feminism, then tarot. She balked at all three at first. She fretted for me, prayed for me, wondered what the heck (never hell) I was up to next, yet always, in the end, stayed. She hasn't compromised her own beliefs for mine. She is an advocate for equality, for women, for love, for life. She votes Republican and is pro-life, but she questions her own stances constantly. She won't indulge my tarot obsession, but she won't censor me either. As women we've both changed, but she sometimes fears the changes I have experienced will pull me away from her. It's ok, I understand. But we're both committed to loving each other exactly where we find the other, no matter where our individual paths take us. It isn't always easy, such as when I winced at her daughter's wedding to hear some of the sexist references in the wedding ceremony (references I know Lacey herself does not agree with). Likewise, she winces when I say the f-word or celebrate because the Dems just won the House and Senate.

At the wedding I chatted with a few acquaintences I knew from our old church. One asked what I was up to these days. I paused. Do I tell her? Do I say, "Oh, I'm reading tarot professionally now" knowing full well that she would put two and two together and come up with "backslidden?" I wondered if Lacey would be judged for having a tarot reader as a friend. I didn't want to create any awkward moments for anyone. So I didn't tell her. I talked about going back to college and about my kids. I'm no longer in that world so I felt no need to prove anything. Was I a coward? I don't think so. I decided that the truth would be a needless bucket of ice water poured on a woman I will likely not see for another five years. I believe I am free in Christ or outside of Christ, no matter, to do as I want. However, if I cause offense with my freedom, I am not living with love towards them. The Apostle Paul asked first-century Christians not to eat certain meats that had been sacrificed to idols while in the presence of someone whose beliefs deemed that act offensive. He went on to say that while he gives no credence to idols nor the meat and doesn't believe it to be tainted in any way, you can still be the bigger person and pass on the meat if someone else eating with you is going to feel bad about it. So I hope I chose the "high road." I'm still not sure I did.

From the outside looking in, my spiritual meanderings may seem flakey to some. I suppose it depends on how you view faith. I view faith as a living thing, something that grows and changes with me as I grow and change. I have never been content with being handed a prepackaged set of beliefs, at least not for long. I keep pressing at the edges and asking, "But why?" and "Why not?" Many would not be comfortable in my spiritual world, a world with no boundaries, no definite structure, no final answers. I understand. Some may think my faith is not strong because it seems so fluid, but I would ask how strong is a wave that knocks you on your ass or carries you safely to shore? How strong is a river that carves canyons? Where my faith takes me sometimes may seem to leave me adrift, but there are undercurrents that eventually guide me to my next port.


"Not all who wander are lost"