Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Case of the Scurrying Scissors

I think the highest item on my What I Hate Most About Being A Mother list is not being able to find my things when I look for them. Maybe its because I shared my body, my boobs, my bed and my whole freaking life with these people that they think everything is fair game? I've torn through this house like a banshee many times yelling, "WHERE IS MY [insert missing item here]?!? WHO TOOK IT??? PUT IT BACK NOW!!!" Yesterday morning it was my flat iron, you know, that appliance that straightens your hair, and I knew it was Son #2 who took it. He is more finicky about his hair than I am about mine. But he had already boarded the school bus and Son #3, who I tend to assume knows everything about Son #2 but isn't telling lest he get smacked in the nuts by same, stood by going, "I dunno what he did with it." My daughter found it and gave it to me, but that hardly relieves the aggravation of everything I own being community property. They have helped themselves to my costume jewelry (yes, my boys have -- silver chain necklaces, small hoop earrings, etc.), my electronic equipment, mints in my purse, my jeans, my socks, my toothpaste, hair products, razor, and pretty much anything else they thought they could not do without. Son #1 even once wore my nightie. Ok, so it looked a lot like a Henley thermal shirt, but still. I have threatened their very lives if anyone even so much as lays a finger on my purse, my iPod, my jewelry ANYMORE! They touch my laptop, they will be subjected to medieval torture devices followed by a very slow and painful death.

I know this is karma. I was a very inconsiderate teenager. I "borrowed" both my mom's and my sister's stuff without asking. A lot. They would get so angry with me, but for some reason it didn't faze me. When I had three boys I thought, well at least they won't borrow my clothes and jewelry and other girl stuff. Ok, I was wrong. It's my daughter who doesn't. My sons? Sure. What is up with that? My daughter is the only considerate one. She has always asked to borrow CD's, books, jewelry, and has asked to look at my tarot decks. If I say no, she doesn't do it anyway. Thank Goddess for her.

There is one item that is still missing and it is just nagging at me. The dog scissors. We have a standard brown poodle, Sophie, who requires regular grooming maintenance. As such she has her own scissors. Last time I was grooming her, I threw the scissors in the box, and when I went to get them out again they had-- POOF!--disappeared. I went ranting through the house. Some boy with a need to cut his hair had surely made off with them. The DOG scissors. Ok, there are lots of scissors in this house and I'm always finding them laying on the bathroom counters with bits of hair in the sink. So why the DOG scissors? I dunno. But she's having many consecutive bad hair days and I need them.

Some say you can find missing items with tarot cards. I've heard stories. Several of them. I really don't doubt it. I know our subconscious minds are treasure troves of untapped storage, so tarot cards would be useful to locate missing items. So let's try it, shall we?

Where are the missing dog scissors?

Ah, so the King of Cups took them! Alright, fess up, where are they? In a cup? Somewhere near water? Ok, well, I was grooming the dog last in the bathroom. I need to check all the bathrooms because that's also where the boys like to do their own grooming as well. Hang on...I'm going to go look. Ok, nope. But I did find a pair of scissors I think I can use. They're not THE scissors, but they might work. We don't have any fish, so don't suggest looking behind the fishtank. Oh! They might be at their father's house. I will have to ask him. I will keep you updated whether we find the scissors or not and where they were found to see if they have anything to do with the King of Cups.

Meanwhile, if any of you have any solutions apart from thumbscrews for prohibiting the children from absconding with my things, let me know. Thank you.
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