Monday, January 14, 2008

A Cluttered Mind

I've been trying to figure out which tarot card exemplifies the theme of my life at the moment and like potato chips, I can't pick just one. The divorce has left me financially devastated. That would be five of pentacles. I'm losing the battle of the bills. The Wheel of Fortune would fit, though I'd be on the bottom hemisphere at the moment. Then there is the 5 of cups, which is me right now because I can't seem to see past my current situation. I still have hope, though, and the Star shines in the darkness and tells me that things will get better, and that does give me some peace. I work and work and work at a pretty unexciting, repetitive job to pay what bills I can, so that's 8 of pentacles. I'm trying to deal with it all with Strength. Where's that Magician when I need him? I need Rumpelstiltskin, actually, to spin this straw into gold.

SIGH

Here's the deal: I'm about to lose my internet connection because I can't pay the bill. If you feel inclined to help, check out my tarot reading page and I'd love to do a reading for you. I also take donations, just let me know whether its for a reading or not.

I will say that when I do readings on this mess, awfully good cards often show up in the outcome position, so I'm confident that things will work out for the best. It's just that its really hard to see that right now. Then I think tarot is lying to me and then what? Throwing the cards across the room just invites a lovely game of 78 card pick up. Not only that, it's so hard to intuit esoterically when I've got pentacles problems staring me in the face. My car needs a major repair so it can pass emissions and be registered, my cable and phone bills are past due. I just put groceries on the credit card. I try to remember things certainly could be worse, but I don't want to think about that.

So this dilemma asks the question: How does one accurately read tarot when the mind is cluttered with all this mundane bullshit? Not easily. When I'm in such a state of mind, inevitably the High Priestess wants to show up and mutely accuse me that I already know the answers to my own questions if I could just calm down and listen to my senses. Oh, go the hell away already! I can't tell her to shut up because she doesn't say much. She simply sits there with her Mona Lisa smile and her book of answers clamped shut tight. Next up is The Fool, and in such a mindset I am apt to look past all his wonderful qualities and only hear tarot shrieking at me, "You FOOL! You should have known better than to take that leap! Now look at you!"

For example, here's a reading, a simple three card Situation/Advice/Outcome on this predicament and my initial interpretation:



Well, there I am, the beggar. I need money, for sure, and while I'd rather not take any handouts, I'm needy and desperate. Gah. That's not very flattering. It's making me feel pretty humiliated and vulnerable right about now. Then the advice shows, what did I tell you, the Magician! Somehow I am supposed to be able to pull a rabbit out of this hat? It's telling me I have all the tools I need to create my own reality. Or my own illusions, anyway. And isn't it just like tarot to give me a court card for an outcome. Good lord. Exactly. The King of Cups. (Why is that card always showing up in my readings? Who the heck is he???) At this point I'd have rather seen the King of Pentacles who at least might loan me some money, but here I have the King of Cups who is here to rationally deal with my fears and stirred up emotions. But honestly, all I see when I look at this card is a man adrift on the sea which is exactly how I feel.

So who wants to take a crack at this reading and approach it with a clearer mind? Mine is entirely too cluttered to deal with it.
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